The Butt Burka

Since a man who bragged about grabbing women by their genitals is now my boss and leader of the free world, why not explore some double-standards on the KIV to ring in this new era?

There are clothing requirements on the KIV, as there should be – it is a military base, after all. But the KIV has a specific requirement that they feel very strongly about, as there are signs everywhere, and we even get lectured about it at our in-processing brief: NO SPANDEX OR TIGHTS without a piece of clothing over them, such as shorts – I call these the Butt Burka. “Tights” is open to interpretation, but one standard refers to any material that shows the fine contours of a person’s ass. OR possibly any clothing which, upon inspection, might cause a tingling sensation in a male’s nether regions.

Because, really, this rule almost exclusively affects females. Men never wear tights or spandex-like materials, like yoga pants, except possibly when cycling, yet women wear them often when exercising and for every-day fashion. The IMPs do rounds through the gym several times a day, looking for “anyone” (aka females) violating this rule. European men will often prance around in little short-shorts, their family jewels hanging out the side of their pants as they do bench presses. But this isn’t a problem. It’s the ladies and their fine asses that are the REAL issue, because if a man sees something like that, how’s he supposed to control himself? She needs to cover that up, for her own protection – or so I suppose the internal logic goes.

The official reason for the Butt Burka is that it’s necessary for ambiguous “cultural reasons.” Who’s culture, exactly? I’m not sure. We’re not required to wear head scarves or adhere to any other cultural standard that might conflict with what’s acceptable in most NATO countries. Personally, my culture is not cool with having to watch a man’s balls slapping against his thighs while he jogs on a treadmill in shorts too small for my 5-year-old daughter.

I’m tired of having my ass literally regulated, in the States AND in the KIV. I think I might just fight this Butt Burka mandate. Somebody’s gotta say no to this bullshit.


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